Hey.
I went through our old texts today. Probably a big mistake on my end because it has me feeling sad now, but I couldn't help myself. I looked back on the start of her and I's relationship. It was so corny, haha: it literally began with me doing one of those "I'm going to ask you what we are now, and you're going to say 'a couple, silly'". Of course somehow it worked and it lasted two whole years.
...Looking back on it closer, I think I was too mature for my age. We were 17 (both) when we met, and I was already thinking about planning for the future. Not to mention that we were long distance too. It sucked, but we did it for each other. Well.. That's what I initially thought.
Gathering my thoughts here on day 8 points me to one real direction: she was never as into the relationship as I was. When I was making plans, I think I was just... puppy love to her. You know? she'd say things like "This is the never been treated right girl x never been loved boy kinda vibe omg" and tell me how I'm "cute" or "handsome" or "perfect" all the time. I'd give the same energy back, but at the end of the day all of what I perceived before as closeness feels like tainted puppy love that never meant much more to her than "yippee I have a boyfriend". Not to mention we got together the day she broke up with her ex, which.. Maybe I should've taken as a sign. It's ironic that our relationship went the same exact way as one of her relationships with an ex went. I don't know, I'm kinda just... Speaking out into a void haha. getting out all the internal thoughts.
Part of me feels almost a little gross. Like I fell for something not real, and it tainted me a bit. I feel like I'm more cautious and less trusting -- which is weird, because this isn't my first love or anything. I don't... really like it, but, it is what it is.
Another part of me desperately wants closure. She told me I did nothing wrong and that it was just a lack of mutual interests and the distance, but my logical brain calls bullshit on that. We had plenty of interests in common, and a plan to close the distance (a plan that I was even willing to cater to her more than me, when it came down to it). Frankly.. It feels like an excuse. And because of that, it's ruined much of the moments we experienced together. When did she stop loving me? Was it our first argument? Was it our last argument? Was it slow and gradual? I don't know. She told me she didn't know if she loved me, or stayed with me for the guilt, and the idea of someone that I am my most vulnerable with feeling that way... definitely doesn't do wonders for ye olde ego, haha. Definitely some points for the "maybe I'm truly unlovable" intrusive thought, as wrong as I know it is.
...Frankly I'm just... ugh. I'm ugh today. I'm already meeting new people that I'm interested in, but I'm also hesitant to be as trusting of a relationship as I previously was. I put my unconditional love on the line before... and it kinda just came back to bite me because I frankly humiliated myself by almost begging her to stay with me (..As I promised her I would do, earlier in the relationship, if she tried to break up with me). It just feels like every bit of trust I had for her was misplaced -- lost when I realized I have no clue when this girl fell out of love with me because I can do nothing wrong, but at the same time change from being "perfect" to what seemed to be a burden.
...Well, thoughts in the comments if you want! Lots of word vomit from me on this one. Hope maybe some of it resonates with y'all and helps you with your breakups. I know giving my grievances a voice helps me.
Last updated on:2026-06-05T21:40:43+05:30
Comments (10)
do you think she was never as invested as you were, or do you think that's the story your brain is reaching for now because it's easier than accepting that someone can genuinely love you and still choose to leave?
Could easily be either or. I'm fully aware I could be on the biggest cope train of this century here, or maybe it has some element of truth to it. The issue for me is.. I don't really know, haha. it could just as easily be her leaving from the distance as it could be her never being that invested in the first place. I just never really got that closure.
day 8 is still SO fresh.
Yep... Just a little more than a week!
i reread old messages after a breakup and started questioning every sweet thing they ever said, wondering when it stopped being real. that part messed with my head more than the breakup itself because i felt like i couldn't trust my own memories anymore
Yep.. I feel that one! It's almost the same feeling when someone lies to you, right? In my case, it's almost like I can't trust anything they did, at that point.
i can definitely relate to this completely; and although it’s easier said than done, as i should be taking my own advice; but the best thing you can do is try and work on yourself more until that feeling of hesitancy disappears. never feel humiliation because you gave someone your all, it just shows what type of person you are, and one day someone meant for you will deserve that. at the end, some people are just not meant to be, and that’s okay. it doesn’t feel okay but eventually it’ll work out for the better. let her miss your absence
Thanks.. I do appreciate it. I've been focusing a lot more on work/academics/martial arts since the breakup and it's been getting me through things. These last few years have just been horrible though, honestly... Like, beyond this, my mother died in 2025, 1 of my 2 dogs died shortly thereafter, I had to give my cats away because nobody wanted to live with them and house me... Pretty rough stuff. As far as her missing my absence goes... God, I'd probably feel a lot better if I just knew she missed me too. At least then I'd know I meant something, you know?
stay strong dude
Thank you!