Why do i feel like i'm dying inside after my breakup?

I wonder how many times I can die before it's the final one
Because I died for the first time when I was 9
And then it just keept happening again
I'm still breathing, blinking and walking
But a peace of my soul is going missing everytime
I wonder how it feels to be truly alive
To not have the constant battle with my body and mind

My biggest death was around the age of 15
And part of me was sure that that was it
But yet I'm turning 20 in few months
Even though recently it feels like I've just died
So again I pick myself up
Try to at least stay alive
And living in autopilot
My world collapsed yet nobody knows
Because I again avoid talking to the people that I know

I feel like I become a saviour once again
But the irony is that I never seem to be able to save myself
I end up in the same places just with different people
I end up dying over and over again
And I wonder how much of my soul is even left?
Is it enough to love again
Is it enough for happiness
If it even enough to go out of the surviving stage

People keep telling me to look back at all the places that I've made it out
But looking back olny makes me die a little more
Knowing my younger self had so much hope
Yet I fail her every single day
I keep trying to believe that everything will be okay
But deep inside I feel like I'm already gone

I lost the look to the future part
I don't plan my own funeral yet
But it feels like it's just one step away
I function, I eat and sleep
But somehow there's just so much that I can feel
Just because I made it out so many times doesn't mean I'll this time
And I think people need to understand that sometimes that's the biggest pain
I made it out even though I shouldn't have to that young
I did everything right and still end up just like I did the last time
I carry just more and more
Things that most people chose to ignore
And they think that once I made it out the bagade is gone
But it's just hidden under the bed in my own mind
Just hoping and praying for a relapse

So every time I die I become weaker and not stronger
I become heavier not lighter
And the strength is becoming weaker not stronger
Every time I go back to the death it feels like getting closer to it being permanent
And every time I pick myself up I just lose another part

I think the problem is that some many people see me as strong because I've been through so much
But really what other choice did I have?
And I'm tired of being strong
I'm tired of pushing through
I just want this once for my life to be lighter
I don't need another thing to make me stronger
I need something to make me happy
I don't need another lesson
I need a break
And I don't need to hear that everything will be okay
I just want to hear "I understand"

Last updated on:2026-06-07T02:54:12+05:30