He's not dead, btw. But this is after all, still grief. Losing my best friend and my partner at the same time has left me with such a gaping hole in my chest that's been there every single day since we broke up. Since I broke up with him because I felt undeserving of being loved by someone like him.
I know if I went and texted him tonight he'd reply, he'd be kind, but how cruel of me would that be? He's still in love with me, he's working on getting over his heartbreak. I have no right to interfere and make that process slower for him. I have no right to go and take advantage of him caring about me too much to turn me away and focus on himself.
But at the same time, god I've never felt more alone. I miss him constantly, every goddamn second of my day something reminds me of us. Summer is about to be over and we didn't get to do any of the plans we had because I broke up with him before we could do them. Going to the beach, the movies, parties, I've ended up doing all of those things on my own.
And every time I think about him I feel so guilty, I regret breaking up even though I know it was for the better, because I was dying in that relationship and it wasn't his fault and he deserved better. He deserved better and I wasn't strong enough to be better for him. But I need my best friend back. I'm going back to my college town and I remember last year I was telling him about everyone I met, everything I found funny, every silly thing I did. And not having him this year, god, what am I gonna do? I miss him so bad now, but oh my god, I can't imagine how bad it's gonna get when I'm back in my college town.
Last updated on:2026-09-01T18:07:12+05:30
Comments (4)
i had to stop reaching out too, even when i knew they'd answer, because every little bit of comfort from them kept both of us stuck in the same wound.
when you imagine going back to your college town, what part are you most afraid of facing without him?
i used to tell him about my day every day, we used to talk for hours over text, and now whenever I get the urge to tell him something I'll remember he's not there anymore
i broke up with someone i still loved because i was convinced i couldn't be what they needed, and losing my person and my safe place at once felt fucking brutal. i still missed them most when something funny happened and i had nobody to text.