My ex of 4 years (we are both women) had an affair with a colleague from work this year. I found out the confession.
For months from late January until the end of March she lied to me and gaslit me whenever I asked if there was someone else. After that she became very manipulative constantly pulling me close and pushing me away.
I asked her to come and collect her things from our flat. I packed everything into bags left them outside and gave her a time to collect them. She picked everything up but then messaged me twice asking if she could keep the PlayStation I bought her for Christmas. I ignored those messages.
Today she sent me this:
“Hi I hope you’re okay. I just wanted to check what’s happening with the flat. I haven’t had any correspondence about a notice being handed in so I’m assuming you’re staying? I’ll need to remove myself from the tenancy then. I also need to collect the rest of my clothes and things as some items are missing. You didn’t reply about the PlayStation either which you gave me as a gift. I need to drop your Indian clothes and speaker off too. Can we arrange an exchange or if you still don’t want to see me let me know a day you’ll be out so I can collect my things and return the keys?”
I have contacted the property management company and asked them to remove her from the tenancy agreement next month. I have also changed the lock barrel so she cannot let herself back in.
I really want minimal contact with her. Every time I hear from her my body starts shaking and my heart races so badly. It feels horrible. I just want her out of my life now.
Some friends have suggested it might be easier to let her come back one last time to sort things out but I don’t want her anywhere near me.
I can’t understand how she is acting like this. She cheated lied and gaslit me for months. This happened less than 2 years after she watched me go through the sudden death of my mum who was only 57. I also had a cancer scare this year while she was having the affair and I had to go for a biopsy the day after I found out. She went to work and I went to the hospital alone.
Now after leaving to live with her parents and leaving me and the cat she wanted she is still focused on the PlayStation and claiming things are missing. Nothing is missing.
Since the affair came out and even before that she has treated me like I’m the one who did something wrong. She cheated but somehow I’m the person being blamed. It’s honestly unbelievable.
Last updated on:2026-07-31T00:56:11+05:30
Comments (6)
is there actually anything of hers left that still needs returning, or does it feel like she's using these things to keep a connection to you?
after everything she put you through, i would've kept contact to the absolute minimum too
Stay strong, it doesn’t seem like she valued you. You deserve an honest partner. Very sorry about your Mum 🙏🏼
i had an ex who kept finding little reasons to stay in contact after betraying me, and every message sent my body into panic too. i stopped meeting him face to face because i knew i'd pay for it emotionally
you’re so strong. it is awful being spoken to in a way that reads so cold and detached, especially when we would expect a ‘normal’ person to be full of remorse and guilt. you are experiencing betrayal trauma, and you are absolutely right to keep her away from you and your home. have you heard of midlife crisis (not the cliche sports car thing people joke about, but the actual mental health crisis) as her behaviour and tone align with many of the signs of a MLC. a lot of the literature on it is very heteronormative in the language it uses, unfortunately, but I recommend looking at a website called The Hero’s Spouse which has a quiz to see if your ex was displaying signs of MLC and lots of info about what this whole sorry saga entails. of course, it may not be MLC, but this is what I’m going through with my ex atm and his text messages are the same in tone. the biggest sign for me that something drastic had changed was he stopped showing any interest in our shared pet who he previously doted on. either way, what you’re going through is awful and I hope you can maintain your strength and keep her away ❤️
its okay, at the end of the day as long as you’re alive you’ll always have somebody even on times you feel like you dont have anyone. just be glad you didnt end up with her. because that is not how you want to be loved for the rest of your life