Yesterday my wife snapped at me over something minor and she has been doing this lately. Previously she would apologize for it and she has admitted to having anger issues but she takes a very long time (days) to reflect on her actions and always promised she would change. I have 4 weeks of PTO this summer and she chose to take her PTO at a different time, so I've been mostly a caretaker for her and my daughter. After our last big fight before yesterday, she seemed to start appreciating my efforts more and showed me kindness, but this is a pattern which ends up with her treating me like a roommate/punching bag.
I have been very patient with her because she showed effort earlier, but after weeks of doing majority of the chores by myself (something I did already while working), cooking her lunch and dinner every day (breakfast on the weekends) contributing more financially even though I have less income (she's saving up money to pay for her ex's expenses), fixing stuff she complained about being broken and doing whatever she asked, having her snap at me for things like not cleaning the stove immediately after cooking while it's still hot, I started to resent her behavior towards me, when all she does is just doomscroll on her phone or watch tv. She would claim she's too tired to talk to me even and then proceeds to have an hour call with her friend.
Yesterday I finally told her I feel like she's taking me for granted again and I have noticed that every time she apologized for her outbursts, she immediately asked me for a favor.
She confessed that her apology should be enough "even though there was nothing to apologize for". She said she's had enough because "you're never happy".
I told her it's not true, because I was happy when I felt respected and when she was actually showing mutual effort, but now it feels like I'm the only one giving 100% to our relationship. The things I do out of love for her? "I didn't ask you to do any of that". And then she filed for a divorce and showed me the confirmation.
What I need now is strength when she reflects on her actions and words and wants me back.
Last updated on:2026-08-10T09:27:48+05:30
Comments (14)
hollo
have you try couples counseling? It may help
we tried multiple times but she dropped out every time
you deserve so much better. I know it hurts now. but someday when you are with the right person who treats you well, you’ll probably feel it all worked out for the best. plus, children deserve to see their parents treat eachother with respect and a healthy relationships. and if they can’t happen, then seeing their parents divorce and heal is the next best thing. otherwise they learn that its okay for a partner to treat them poorly. but right now is really tough so give yourself compassion
why did u walk down the aisle. dont be so quick. u will regret losing a soul mate over attention seeking. my honest to Bible suggestions. also no booze , no weed on weekdays because this can contribute to hostility, in my opinion
she is not ur caregiver u are ur own caregiver
@CozyCrew741 did you even read the post?
as you go thru the reality of what you allowed yourself to be treated like in your marraige and you begin to ask yourself why you feel you dont deserve to be treated kindly and shown love, you will find we reflect what we feel for ourselves in other people. I have been right where you are so many god damn times that i cant blame anyone else but me for putting up with this shit and stamping it LOVE when its so far from LOVE its not funny. You should find the courage and walk away from this destructive bullshit. It will never change unless you both do the work. Get over the fantasy women she was to you and look at who she really is. she is no trouphy. She is selfish and karma has her name.
there is a kind and loving soul who was kicked around like you....looking for someone like you.
Honestly, she is doing you a huge favor. Be thankful. Get some therapy for yourself and focus on your own happiness. You will get through this.
you already gave more than enough and she still filed. the strength you’re looking for later comes from remembering that version of her who only shows up after she loses you, not from waiting to see if she changes this time.
how are you even processing the papers right now, like are you still in shock or has the anger started kicking in?
I didn't consent to it, I'm still in disbelief. The anger came as a first reaction because she has threatened with a divorce before but this time she went through with it. Today I've been mostly depressed and my eyes hurt from crying but writing down things she said and has done is helping me to forget any hope I had for this relationship.
damn this hit hard. i went through almost the exact same cycle where i carried everything for months, chores food emotional labor the whole thing, and the second i asked for basic fairness it became “you’re never happy.” that pattern of apology then favor then explosion is so familiar it still stings.
Yeah we're definitely in a trauma bond and my nervous system is screaming for a relief but what can I do when she's the one who chose to put more effort into getting a divorce rather than our relationship