my boyfriend and i had the kind of romance that felt unreal. like something out of a movie. even after everything that happened i still find myself speaking so highly of what we had because it felt so special.
a month ago i broke up with him for the first time after he crossed a boundary by staying friends with a girl who had feelings for him. i was completely devastated. after he cried and begged me to understand that it was a mistake he showed me their messages and explained that nothing disrespectful had happened between them. he ended the friendship even though we were broken up because he wanted to show me that it wasn’t worth risking what we had.
i took him back but rebuilding trust has been so painful. there were nights where i cried in his arms because i was still trying to heal from what happened. i was putting everything i had into getting us back to the place we were before.
then my trust issues got the better of me and i read his diary. i felt this overwhelming need to know what was really going on. it was supposed to be a prayer journal but i found a page where he wrote about liking this girl and me wondering if he should be with either of us. he also wrote about asking god for strength to stay loyal.
i felt completely shattered. i was so confused because i know how much he loved me. when i told him i had read it and that i couldn’t do this anymore he literally fainted at work while we were on the phone. he had never fainted before. he just collapsed.
later he explained that he was writing down thoughts he was trying to fight that he wasn’t choosing her and that he only wanted to be with me. but i don’t know how to believe that anymore. i don’t think i can stay. the first betrayal broke something in me and this feels like it destroyed whatever was left.
the hardest part is that i still love him so much. i know he loved me. i know because of the way he looked at me the way he cared for me the way he would get emotional talking about losing me. even the morning i found the diary he was crying about how much he loved me and how hard it was to leave for work.
i can’t understand how someone can love me so deeply and still have feelings for someone else. i don’t know if what we had was real anymore. i don’t want to be with him but i also miss him more than i can explain. i miss us. i miss what we were.
i feel completely lost. i know he’s hurting too but i don’t know what to do with all of this pain. should i message him? would i be stupid for going back?
Last updated on:2026-08-09T17:26:12+05:30
Comments (7)
I’m in a similar situation. I don’t know how we’ll rebuild the trust either if we were to get back together.
emmm. maybe my advice is bad but, did he have feelings for her? o he just felt atracction? idk if that happend before but now he is Clare with his feelings for you maybe you can give him a new opportunity. But just if he really have demonstrated he loves you with actions. But yeah is a risk for you. If you feel you can't forget and trust him again the best is break up. You have to considerate all the points. I speak Spanish if you don't understand me sorry
making a decision while i was desperate to get the pain to stop. i missed my ex so much too, but missing someone wasn't enough for me to feel safe with them again.
if you had never read that journal, do you think your trust would have slowly come back, or did the first betrayal already change something too deeply?
i went back after a betrayal because i missed the person i thought i had, and i kept hoping the confusion would settle. it never did until i admitted my trust had already been broken.
Ask yourself if it was a friend in your situation would you think her boyfriend respected her, respected the relationship and protected the relationship if he entertained feelings for someone else while in the relationship?
A persons internal private dialogue should be between them and God. If they willingly share their notes with you thats okay, but otherwise its a breach of privacy.