My situation might be a bit different than everyone's here, but I still would like to share thoughts after going through therapy for this past month. For context, I was with this amazing woman for 3 months, not a relationship but casual. We made it clear at the start but she was very loving, affectionate person. She had a bad breakup after 2.5 years couple of months ago, so understandably she didn't want anything serious.
Anyway, me being the kind of person that I am (who has never been in a relationship, and is always doing casual) could not deal with the affections. So, I was willingly pushing her away. My brain literally does not know how to deal with being loved (figured it out after therapy). Even normal affirmation to myself are hard to say for me. I always thought that it was me protecting the other person from a heartbreak so I never did anything serious or willingly pushed them away so that they feel like they left me. Sounds evil, I know but it was genuinely not manipulation. I was just thinking that I was protecting myself.
Come back to current situation, and I realized that I actually like being around this woman. However, she started seeing someone new as I went cold for weeks processing my feelings. I always thought that saying how you feel is a sign of weakness, but it was the opposite. Fearing something out of my control was the weakness. My fear was never the heartbreak (as I understand that now), it was that I was losing control. Losing control over my emotion, my feelings, and the outcome. So much so that I pushed people away and didn't do any kind of basic affection so that I knew they'd not get attached. In a way, I was trying to control their emotions too.
This specific scenario hurts because I never spoke to one person for 3 months. When I am speaking to someone, or hanging out with them, I don't talk with another person. So, this 3 months of "exclusivity" made me realize a new side of me that I kept so guarded for the past 27 years of my life. I was so focused on controlling the outcome that I started losing the moments that I wanted.
The post is long, but I needed to get it off of my chest. I am actively doing the work to be a man that I believe I can be. This is not me, I like loving, spoiling others, being there when they need me, and keeping them happy. I did tell her how I was afraid of being vulnerable, and tried to bandage the issue but I guess it was too late.
Just gotta work on myself, think that it is all Universe's timing and I will come out a better person after this. I needed to go through this kind of heartbreak to realize it.
Last updated on:2026-08-09T05:22:30+05:30
Comments (6)
i really felt the part about losing the moments you actually wanted. do you think you miss her specifically, or are you grieving the version of yourself you finally got to see with her?
The version of myself that I see with her. That was the first time in a long time that I felt good being around someone. I don't let people in, and that was my weakness. I misjudged it for a strength. Working actively on this. Therapy, research, community, reading. I'll probably be amazed of myself when I get through this process 😌
honestly, admitting that control was behind it takes guts.
A full month of therapy made me realize this. I always used to think that I am saving the other person from heartbreak while being okay being heartbroken. A victim mentality with need for control. Tough to deal with, but finding it is already walking on the right path.
i used to push people away the second i realized i actually cared, then wonder why i felt so empty when they finally left. that realization hurts like hell.
That's the worst. If I gave everything I knew I could then I would genuinely be content with them cheating on me or leaving me cause I knew I gave my best. I have so much love and care to give but affection towards me used to scare me. Working on fixing that. I even am getting a pet after 8 years to start loving another living being and getting out of this mindset that I have to control the amount of love I give to others.