Why can't i stop wanting him back?

It’s been a month and a half since we broke up, and somehow I’m still hoping he’ll come back. I still want us to be together again, and honestly, I’m so tired of feeling this way.

Today was another one of those days that reminded me just how much I still miss him and how much I still care about him.

I went to my internship this morning, and he wasn’t there. I didn’t even know he was going to come in today. Apparently, he had an academic meeting there, so I wasn’t expecting to see him at all.

Then, completely unexpectedly, I saw someone coming down the stairs. I wasn’t even really looking because I was focused on my work. People started saying hello and welcoming him, and that’s when I realized it was him.

And I swear, I got so excited just from seeing him.

I wasn’t waiting for him. I didn’t even know he was coming. But the second I realized he was there, my whole mood changed. And all I could think was, God, I really still love this man.

We went through the day normally and did our internship. I’ve been trying to focus on myself lately. I’m not trying to get his attention, I’m not looking for excuses to go up to him, and I’m trying not to analyze every little thing he does.

But something happened when we left today that confused me again.

We happened to leave the internship at the same time. Outside, he told me, “Bahar, I came here on my scooter, so I’m going toward Bostancı now.” I didn’t really understand what he meant, so I asked, “What, are you trying to tell me to come that way too?” He said no, that he was going by scooter and would take a bus from there, and explained where he was going.

I said, “If you don’t want me to come with you, why are you explaining all of this to me?”

Then I said, “If we’re not going to talk, why did we even leave at the same time? It doesn’t make any sense.”

I eventually just said, “Okay, see you,” turned around, and walked in the opposite direction from him.

Maybe from the outside, it sounds like such a tiny, meaningless interaction. But it didn’t feel meaningless to me. Because I still want to walk in the same direction as him. I still want to be beside him at the end of the day and go somewhere together.

Even leaving at the same time and then walking in different directions hurts now.

And I think what hurts me the most is that I can’t even say that he’s completely indifferent toward me. He still talks to me, notices me, tells me little things, and sometimes tries to include me. But at the same time, he still isn’t taking any clear step toward getting back together.

And I’m exhausted from constantly wondering, “Does this mean something?”

I don’t want to keep trying to find meaning in his looks, little comments, or small gestures anymore. I want him to actually choose me.

Because I’ve already done my part. I told him I wanted to get back together. I tried to talk things through and solve our problems. I reached out to him. I genuinely think I did everything I could.

Now there’s this voice inside me saying:

“You’ve done enough. It’s his turn now.”

And honestly, I think I’ve changed a lot during this month and a half. My anxiety is still there sometimes, but I’ve gotten better at managing it. I’m learning not to immediately act on every feeling I have.

If he comes back, I don’t want to lose the growth I’ve made during this time.

I want him back, but I also want to keep the person I’m becoming.

I don’t want him to come back just because he misses me for a moment. I want him to come back because he genuinely wants to be with me again. I want him to have thought everything through, understand what went wrong, and actually be willing to choose the relationship and put effort into it this time.

I just wish he would make that choice.

I wish, for once, he would be the one to come toward me.

I miss him so much. I miss being close to him. I miss being us.

And honestly, I keep praying that if we’re truly meant to find our way back to each other, somehow we will.

Please, just come back to me. But come back properly this time.

Last updated on:2026-08-16T16:08:59+05:30