we had been having issues for a while. he was texting another girl back in june and she had texted me and told me. i confronted him about it and he didn’t deny it. i told him that i still loved him and i wanted everything to work out. we ended up taking a break for a month to work on the things we both needed to work on. during this break he did sleep with someone else, and he also told me that he had physically cheated on me while we were together as well. we ended up getting back together on my birthday, july 18th. i decided that i still wanted everything to work because i love him. everything was good for a while, until school started up again. i’m a junior, he’s a sophomore. he’s on academic probation this semester so he’s stressed about school. we started having a serious talk like every week where he was saying he doesn’t know if he can do this anymore because he’s stressed and he doesn’t want the relationship and all of the other things to get in the way of him succeeding at school. understandable, you want to do well in school, but i guess i just don’t understand why he was questioning our relationship over it. every one of those talks ended with i still love you you’re still my girlfriend i want to work through it. we talked on the 22nd this past saturday. it was the same talk. i had one of my best friends birthday parties to go to, after her party i went to his apartment. idk if this is tmi, but we had sex that night and the next morning. we hadn’t had sex for about two weeks before that. then later sunday night, i got a text. “ive been thinking about it and ive realized that its not best for me to be in a relationship with now. we both have stuff we need to work on that we should be alone for… etc” im not denying that i have stuff to work on, but it still hurt. that fact that he couldn’t say it to my face was what hurt the most. i told him this and he just kept saying that he couldn’t bear to see me like that. i told him that him saying that makes me feel like i didn’t deserve the respect of a face to face conversation, but he held strong to the fact that he couldn’t bear to see me like that. i went to his apartment to pick up my stuff i had there and we talked, i told him that the decision he made doesn’t seem like i decision you could come to in 24 hours and i feel that everything we’ve talked before he’s felt like that he just never told me. he said the only time was on saturday. i told him that that makes me feels used because he felt like that and still slept with me. he kept saying “i dont understand that i would never use you blah blah blah.” i told him that might not have been his intent, but its how i feel and that looking back it looks like i was being lusted over instead of loved. we ended the conversation saying that we would still be friends and we’re always here for each other if we need something. i was talking to my mom and some friends afterwards and they said i should go no contact, and i cant deny i was thinking about it. it’s just so hard because we were together for a while and i care about him so much and he was the first person i actually saw a future with. in our previous talks when he would say he didn’t know if he could do it right now, i would tell him well whatever decision you make here is final because i was miserable when we were on the break. i couldn’t put myself through that again. so when he broke up with me he didn’t ask for another break, he said “maybe our paths will cross again” as much as i hope that doesn’t happen, i don’t know if it will. i hope that i can get to the point of being friends and maybe that will lead into something but right now i just can’t see that because i still have such strong feelings for him. everyone keeps telling me it’ll get easier and soon there’ll be a day where i wont even realize i haven’t thought about him. im so terrified of that happening. i love him so much and i genuinely cannot imagine my future without him. i just don’t know what to do. help please
Last updated on:2026-08-26T21:19:50+05:30
Comments (11)
i feel how scared you are about eventually not thinking about him anymore, but what scares you more right now, losing him completely or having to keep loving someone who keeps choosing not to be with you?
i stayed friends with an ex because i was terrified that cutting contact meant losing him forever, but i was secretly hoping every conversation would bring us back together, and it kept me stuck for so much longer.
i’m honestly just hoping i can eventually get to the point where i can be friends with him, even though i know it won’t be easy and it will take time
Hi girl, I’ve been in a similar spot to you. I’ve been with a cheater and because I loved him I didn’t leave. But what I realised was that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, I was in love with the person I had originally met, the one that didn’t make the mistakes. and it’s funny that we call them mistakes because a mistake is something unintentional and from your post he has intended to betray your trust and relationship time and time again. The biggest advice I was given was, you have to think about the dad you want to give your future kids, the one you want your daughter to learn what love is from. There’s nothing more powerful than being able to be in a relationship with yourself and to say you love yourself enough to walk away. also what I’m getting from this post is that he has the lead in the relationship, he decides when a break is needed, he decides when he wants the relationship. I 100% empathise with forgiving them but giving too much forgiveness allows them to know they could treat you as bad as they want and just because you love them they know you will always be there. If he truly wanted to work it out and work on himself for you he wouldn’t of been with another girl and he wouldn’t be needing space. when you say you need to work on things that should be done together. space apart can work but really it’s only one person healing alone and the other is finally getting the freedom to be doing what they wanted all along. Listen to your self, you was miserable but he was sleeping with someone and that was only on a month break. It can be scary to think about a future without them and even sick to think about loving someone else but the truth is you will. I’ve had 2 relationships and the cheater was my first we was together for 2 years. I didn’t think I’d get over him ever but the 2nd guy made me fall in love with him a lot more than I ever did the 1st. he hurt me in a different way but I’ve come to realise there will be many break ups, there will be many loves in our lives. what really counts and matter is how much you love yourself, how much you respect yourself to say this is not the life you want. From experience I know you’re probably telling yourself it was a mistake, he loves you, but a person who really loves you wouldn’t even think about doing half the stuff he has. the person who loves you would be miserable without you too not finding comfort in someone else. if you truly can forgive him for everything then you will be hurting till/if he decides to come back but I know that I grew to resent them and couldn’t move past the betrayal even when I gave the chances. it would be thrown back in arguments, it would make me feel shit about myself and made me compare myself. This might not be you but this could be your daughter one day and you don’t want to tell her the man she idolises is also the man who’s done the same thing. You don’t want to tell her to forgive them or that it’s a mistake. you would want to kill them and you have to give yourself that same respect x
thank you, this honestly helps a lot and puts a lot into perspective. when i reached out about going no context i did say that all of the decisions in our relationship have been his decisions and im ready to have the confidence in myself to make a big decision like that. it’s so hard to think about right now, but deep, deep down i do know that this is what’s good for me. it’s just so hard.
@DreamyHug478 There will be days it’s hard and there will be days that you will miss them, will want to run to them but again your self love and respect needs to be bigger than your love for them. Lean on your friends and family, my friends have been my life savers and the best thing about love is that it forms in so many ways. So when that romantic love ends there is another form of love to pick us up. There will also be good days, days you don’t think about texting them, days you’ve done something exciting for yourself, days where you’ve laughed so much you forget you’re sad. Right now isn’t about thinking will I find love again or how can I be with anyone else. Right now is for healing and being your authentic self. Even if you are focused and worrying about that, take in the perspective of friends. We meet so many people in our lives, we make friends at school, at work etc and even that can be scary but then there’s a day where you wonder how you ever had a life without those friends. There’s also friendships that we thought would be in our lives but they end to. My point is that it’s a cycle, some people come into our lives just to teach us lessons. I don’t think this man is the one for you and it seems his lesson is to teach you how to be brave, how to have that confidence you want, to love yourself and to build up boundaries/ standards that you won’t drop for the next man. it won’t seem like it now but it will be your biggest blessing. you’ll reflect in maybe a couple months time and be proud of the person who walked away. You have to ask yourself would you be proud of the person who stayed and would that person still be hurting, is he worth all that pain. I’m a shopperholic and it sounds silly but when I would think of him I’d buy myself a new top to give myself something exciting to look forward to. Or I’d make plans to go out to have a distraction. Also take a minute to breathe and think before you reach out. ask yourself will it be the answer you want, is this the type of relationship you want, and most the time after just sitting with it and thinking about it you don’t want to text them. You have to think you had a life before him and you can have a life after him. You are so much more than the value of a man!
@FunkyRex185 i think what hurts the most is that in his response to me about going no contact, he said he was happy for me and proud of me for making a decision like that. i think it hurts because i don’t know if he’s being 100% because on one side of my mind i believe that he meant what he said and on the other im thinking this is what he wanted all along and he’s just saying that because he’s happy im out of his life. i was walking around campus yesterday and we passed each other. it didn’t bring back a rush of feelings for me or anything but it hurt to just walk past him. i know i need not to be worried about him and if he actually means what he’s saying and everything, it’s just hard. i’ve learned throughout this that i put all of my care into others without stopping to care for myself. i want to start doing that, it’s just hard. i don’t know what to do. i never opened myself up to people like that before him. he was the first and look what happened. it just feels like i’m going to be sad forever. and the worst part is he seems fine. i don’t know if he’s just distracting himself, or if he just truly does care. i know guys are different but if he just truly didn’t want to be with me anymore why couldn’t he have just said that. i honestly think everything would’ve been a lot easier if he had just said he didn’t love me anymore. because now i have someone telling me they love me and they care about me, we just can’t be together right now. because honestly to me focusing on school and working on yourself is a pretty lame excuse. you want to work on yourself to better yourself for your next relationship, obviously you don’t want that relationship to be with me, otherwise you would do it with me, right? but honestly i’m not sure, and it’s hard not to hold onto the “maybe our paths will cross again” especially when i don’t know if things would be different right now if i hadn’t said that i couldn’t do another break again. at the same time my mind is saying, he saw what it did to you the last time so if he really loved you he wouldn’t put you through that again. is that what he’s doing? i don’t know and it’s hard not to think about it. like he could truly want to be with me again in the future but he did see what i went through last time and he doesn’t want to do that to me again, or he just truly doesn’t want to be with me. i know i shouldn’t but thinking that but it’s hard. i just want to be happy again
@DreamyHug478 I genuinely think you can love someone deeply, care about them and still not be in love with them anymore. Those are two very different things. I obviously don’t know him, so I can’t speak on his intentions or exactly what he means, but I do think it’s possible that what he’s saying is genuine. He may have love for you and care about you, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s in love with you or that he wants to choose you and commit to working on the relationship. Unfortunately, loving someone doesn’t automatically mean they’re willing or able to give you the relationship you deserve.I think you really need to listen to what you’re saying in that message because even though you’re not in the relationship anymore, he still seems to be the one deciding what happens next. Everything is still centred around “does he want me, does he want to work on us, does he want our paths to cross again?” But I don’t think you’ve stopped to ask yourself the most important question, which is do YOU actually want this relationship anymore, knowing everything that has happened?. You’re blinded by your love for him right now and honestly that is completely normal and okay. When you love someone, you naturally focus on the good memories, the connection, the potential and the hope that maybe things could be different this time. But you can’t let love be the only reason you stay attached to someone. Love is important, but sometimes love genuinely isn’t enough. You also need trust, respect, loyalty, consistency, accountability and commitment.You can want someone so badly because you love them and still recognise that they aren’t the right person for you. You can miss someone, think about them constantly, wish things had worked out and still walk away. And one of the hardest things to accept is that you can walk away from someone while still being in love with them. Walking away doesn’t mean your love wasn’t real. Sometimes it means you finally love yourself enough to stop accepting something that is hurting you.It seems like you’ve been incredibly vulnerable with him and made it very clear that you care, that you want to work through things and that you’re willing to fight for the relationship, but he hasn’t given you that same level of commitment in return. And that difference matters.Yes, working on yourself and focusing on school are important, but being in a relationship with you doesn’t automatically prevent him from doing those things. He can cheat on you, spend time with other girls and have sex with other girls, and somehow being in a relationship with you is what would hold him back from school or working on himself? You really need to sit with that and think about what that actually means.Because what is the difference between being in a committed relationship with you and having sex with random girls if his argument is that a relationship would distract him? He is still choosing to spend his time and energy on other people. He is still making choices. So maybe it isn’t that he simply “can’t be in a relationship right now.” Maybe he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you in the way that you want to be in one with him.And I think you’re right that some of what he’s saying sounds like excuses. Especially the “maybe our paths will cross again” part. That leaves the door open without actually making a commitment. It gives you just enough hope to keep you emotionally attached to him, while allowing him to live his life without actually having to give you anything concrete.I’m not saying he is consciously sitting there planning to manipulate you because I don’t know him or his intentions. But you need to look at the effect his behaviour is having on you, regardless of what his intentions are. He knows you love him, he knows you’ve forgiven him before and he knows you still want him. If he gives you just enough hope whenever you start pulling away, it makes it so much harder for you to actually let go.And you’ve already seen what happens when you go back before. You need to look at his actions, not just the words that make you hopeful. When you went back before, it seems like he ultimately wanted the physical side of the relationship without giving you the loyalty, security and commitment you were asking for. That is important information. You can’t ignore the pattern just because you desperately want the outcome to be different this time.Ask yourself, if he never changed and this was exactly what the relationship looked like forever, would you genuinely be happy? Not would you be happy because you love him or because at least you have him, but would you actually feel respected, secure, chosen and valued?Because you deserve someone who doesn’t leave you constantly questioning whether they want you. Someone who doesn’t make you compete for their commitment. Someone who doesn’t need to lose you before deciding whether you’re worth choosing. Someone who doesn’t give you little pieces of hope just to keep you waiting around.You can love him and still let him go. You can believe he has good qualities and still recognise that he isn’t good for you. You can believe that his feelings for you are real and still accept that they aren’t enough to build the relationship you want.Sometimes the hardest thing isn’t accepting that someone doesn’t love you. It’s accepting that they might love you, just not in the way you need to be loved. And you have to be honest with yourself about whether that is enough for you. There’s no rush when it comes to healing. I know that feeling of just wanting to be happy again and thinking getting back with them will fix everything, but it won’t. It might give you temporary comfort, but the hurt and the worries will still be there. You’ll have good days and bad days, but at least you won’t also have to worry about another girl or where you stand with him if you put yourself first. And I understand he was the first person you really opened up to, which makes letting go even harder. But look at you now, you’re opening up to complete strangers and talking about your feelings, and you should be proud of yourself for that. If you can do that now, you can absolutely open up to someone new in the future. You don’t have to rush into anything, but don’t convince yourself he’s the only person you’ll ever be able to be vulnerable with
think is this the man I genuinely want to marry, a guy who did all that because (if u belive in soulmates) the love of ur life would never treat yoh like that, whenever you start to miss him think of all the bad things he did to you and how it made you feel, domt reach out to him rhats whay he expects, he thinks your obsessed with him, prove him wrong, I have been in the exact situation as you and rhats what I did
i’ve thought about this a lot and i think my love for him kind of overshadows my answer. because on one hand i don’t want to go through that again, but on the other i know that he’s going through stuff too, and i don’t want to sit here and blame him for everything especially if he is trying to work on himself.
try to spend time for yourself now , care for yourself only , don't spend ur ,waste ur nerves on someone who doesn't deserve ever again .