Why i'm so pissed: the pain of losing my only friend

You see, I've been your only platonic friend and first friend in this university and after all of those meaningful quality times we spent together for each other and also after those three months of being replaced.Finally, I'm brave enough to end this toxic friendship. Eventhough my mind told me to end the friendship, but there was my heart which was so eager to see your realization of my most needs at the crucial moment. Unfortunately, things can't go the way we want to, thus seeing you only replied with "Ok" make me insane and make me felt like wanna throw up the moment I read that, thousands of words being said in my mind making me badly want to retract my request because that's not really the closure I want, instead it's what you actually want and I unconsciously did it because I knew damn well you would gladly end the friendship just like that. So many thoughts lingering in my mind, what a waste time, loves and efforts spending those countless times with that girl and how fool am I to feel like she really cared about me. how stupid am I to be that dedicated to prove that she's lovable, how silly am I to pay back the deeds she make which is literally the bare minimum but my mind keep poisoning my brain forcing me to be the good guy..... I miss my old self, the one that's stoic, the one that only prioritize himself, the one that only plays game as a hobby, the one that only editing videos, the one that have big interest in reading books, until that one day u texted me, and I thought "oh she's just a friend, i'd only make her as my first best friend in uni, it must bee funn frrr". I was then tortured for 2 months of your silly situationship,
Our first meet, I looked up to you since you're a year younger than me and you looks so professional when we first met, you as the only 17 years old girl in that uni became the treasurer, a role in a class to collect funds for class activities, On the exact moment when I saw you're being goofy, that's the time when I recognized you as a lonely girl who just making jokes just to bring party vibes means you're stressful with life and just want to have fun, and as I was so awkward to talk to you, I still act as If I'm not awkward so that you're comfortable, I even treat you a drink just to reward your hardwork as a treasurer. Oh how clueless am I on that time abt what our future gonna be.
Then my first problem in uni happened, I have problems with my groupmates and I knew damn well I can handle them, but you're stepping up for me thus making the issues more bigger than how it should've. You stand up for me and I'm lowkey so embarassed how am I a man received a defend from a girl. but like how I predicted you're weak emotionally and when you're being emotional you'd act bluntly rather than being careful with plan first, atm I noticed that you're type of people that I can't involve when I'm facing emotional problems. I think that's clearly sign of red flag which my stupid self ignored
and since our first meet, u keep holding on my hoodie wrist, holding my shoulders, leaning on me, sitting on a chair together, touching me, crash into me while walking besides, handholding, elbow crossing wherever we go, being with me and whenever I ask why did you that your only answer was you felt safe. was that really casual for you? and wdym when you said you thought it's normal....... It's what couple do. and just somehow when you showed your maturity as an intellectual I fell in love, I selfishly confessed to you, and then you reject me with no hesitation..... then I just thought maybe I can face this rejection if we are still together, so like days goes and you're still the same doing that couple interactions all day non-stop, and literally everywhere. just when the day our bonds tighten arrived, you suddenly vented about your traumatic pasts, about your toxic ex, about you didn't know how to stand up for yourself, about you love him more than yourself, I promised atm that I'm going to protect you whenever and wherever you are, thus I also vented about my horrible pasts just to make you feel safe venting, as it's fair for both of us venting together since shared joy is a double joy, shared sorrow is a half sorrow....and on the day, I'm also pissed how your ex is the main reason I can't be with you.and I also promised that I'd make my dm as a safe space for her
On the last day of the situationship we slept together leaning on each other shoulders, saying that we love each other and we'd even spam "I love you then I love you more" to each other and even sleep calling together for each night, just when the day arrived you changed. I don't know you anymore, you explained about your boundaries and how I always crossed your boundaries, but why you never realize you breached my boundaries first? You solely asked your sister with no explanation about your situation and she advised you need to fix your boundaries and if you didn't fix it boys will make yourself like a toy, but do you ever realized you've playing with me for those 2 months already? I'm the only toy in this friendship, you're the one who played me, you kidnapped me from my introvert world, you fill me with your fake kindness, you dragged me into this situationship, am I clearly not the "toy"? Just when we first argued, the main cause is I'm mentally drained for a whole month and on those 4 days of we distancing you easily find a replacement for me as If I'm replaceable. And the whole argument isn't even fair, with how avoidant you are, you love to run away instead of solving the problem straight away, and how immature am I to reply based on my emotion rather with my mind, we argued for whole 2 days non-stopping each points made are solid and strong for each of us, Until you shut down yourself after I accidentally text about your vital points, *your pasts*. Ok I admitted it's my fault for bringing it up and I was foul for doing that to you, That's the moment I realized i have a bad control for my emotions and so I waited for the day we reunited, Luckily, we reunited and finally bond again, but you know the bond is still there but the closeness is non-existent.
ok so our argument ended and we finally reunited, I thought we're gonna gladly be close friend again, but no you're not enough with just me alone. You gladly spend most times with my replacement and I did my best to do better than him till I even make 2 handmade gifts for you because I knew you'd like it and even buy you a Big capybara stuff toy since I knew you yearned for it, and reasons why I do this because you gifted me a luxurious watch that I dreamt of and because you deserved it for healing me this far. Little did I know that was literally our last meeting ever.
A month of knowing each other, 2 months of situationship, 3 months of me losing my mind just because I'm insecure. and when I just said I felt replaced, you said you're just living your life....40 days to now, I faced a lot distractions and traumatic responses I can't sleep well enough, I didn't have feel to eat, I often got panic attack, my heartbeat beat faster everytime I remembered about our friendship my head hurts frequently, and lastly if I do eat, I'll vomit surprisingly similar to your traumatic response towards your pasts what you feel previously, I feel each of them now and it's never stopping, fcked i'm so emotionally attached to you.....so 2nd sem started I asked my friends do I changed a lot, and they said I looked more depressive day by days. To my realization I became this basic boring humans just because a girl? hell nawh then I revert my whole self and vow to myself I'll always appear happy and smiling all the time, and also never be awkward around her, since we both are in the same friend groups, we gonna meet each other everydays, I know it's gonna be hard so I thought I should've just stay away from the friend groups, but it's not even working, I learnt that moving on is the idea of me can act normally around her and act as if nothing happened betweeen us, but because it's her boundaries i never gonna communicate with her, except if she's starting to comm i'm just gonna reply, A week of 2nd sem passed and I survived this week with positive moods meaning I confidently can say I can heal properly this time
And deep bottom of my heart, I'll gladly wait on the day we reunited again,cause we clearly need each other and about our argument I came to a conclusion that we both are in the wrongs and I could never be mad about it since we both are just teenagers who work hard tried to reciprocate each other, doing what we think are right according each of our personal thoughts, opinions and life principles, you came into my life just to teach me self love, and I came into your life just to teach you unconditional love as we both are fated to meet each other like a story written, still you're my most favourite chapter ever thanks for the time we've been together, I appreciate it. Maybe we meet each other early just to not cross path anymore again? or Maybe we might meet a second time just to give it a chance. But if that 2nd time is possible and will happened, I promised I'd prioritize myself first and then treat you better than before. Thank you for everything Akira. You're my first irl friend ever that capable of making me feel worthy, special, safe and comfortable.