Am i just a convenience? my struggles with feeling unvalued in my relationship

I’m posting this because I genuinely need outside perspectives on my relationship, because I feel like I’ve become so emotionally drained that I don’t even know if I’m seeing things clearly anymore. I fell in love with my partner very early on, and when I first started going to his place, I was shy and unsure of where things were going. We ended up having sex before we were officially in a relationship. Immediately afterward, he told me I needed to take Plan B because he wasn’t sure whether he had pulled out. We argued about the pill and the risks, and during that conversation I asked him about us and whether he loved me because I had gotten the impression that his feelings were deeper than they actually were. He told me he couldn’t love someone he didn’t trust. Around that same time, there was another situation that really affected my trust. He wanted to go through my phone to look at pictures of me, and while he was showing me pictures on his phone, I happened to see two pictures of a woman, one of which showed her breasts. I asked who she was, and he initially told me she was his cousin and that she had simply sent him a picture showing off her dress. Later, he admitted that she was actually his ex. What bothered me even more was that the picture had been sent two days before I first came over, even though we had already started talking by then. I know I can’t automatically assume what happened, but the whole situation made me uncomfortable and damaged my trust.

From the beginning, I never really felt like my partner was pursuing a relationship with me as much as he was pursuing physical intimacy. Whenever I went to see him, we almost always ended up having sex. I repeatedly told him that I wanted actual dates and quality time together, even if it was something as simple as watching a movie, playing a game, cooking together, or just doing something outside of sex. But somehow, we would still almost always end up having sex. I planned a date for us because I wanted us to have an experience together, but even that was something I had to initiate. There were times I literally begged him to cook for me. He had no problem cooking for his friends when they came over, but with me, it felt like I had to ask. I would usually order food when I visited or buy ingredients and make sure there was something for us to eat, and I would even wash his dishes when he didn’t feel like doing it. He would call me “wife material” when I did those things, but sometimes I wondered if I was actually being treated like a partner or just being appreciated for what I could do for him.

There have also been situations where I felt like I was constantly waiting on him. He had an exam once and told me he would be going to the library afterward. I didn’t bother him or ask where he was because I wanted to respect his time, so I waited the entire day. When it started getting late, I called him and found out he had already been home a while. I asked why he couldn’t take one minute to tell me he was home, and he said his phone had been in his bag and that he had gone to use the bathroom. Maybe that explanation is completely innocent, but things like that have made me question where I stand because he also rarely leaves his phone or iPad lying around when I’m there. I’ve noticed that he keeps his devices very close to him, and while I don’t want to accuse him of something without proof, it contributes to my uneasiness.

Another thing that really hurts me is that I feel like I’m usually the one making the effort to see him. There have been times when he has made excuses just to come see me, but I’m generally expected to go to him. When I step back and look at the dynamic, I sometimes feel less like a girlfriend and more like someone he expects to come over for sex, and honestly, that has made me feel like a whore at times. Even after sex, there have been moments where instead of spending time together or being affectionate, he would just kiss me and then go back to his phone or iPad. That may seem small to someone else, but when you already feel like physical intimacy is receiving more attention than emotional intimacy, those little things hurt.

There was also a situation involving housing that made me question how much he actually wanted to build something with me. At the same time that he was having a conflict with his landlord and talking about moving out, I was also desperately looking for an apartment. I went from looking for a one-bedroom to considering a two-bedroom because I thought we might potentially figure something out together. I would find apartments and send them to him, but there was always a reason it couldn’t happen—he couldn’t find the money, he couldn’t leave his roommate, or something else came up. I eventually started feeling like I was making plans around a future that he wasn’t actually planning with me.

All of this has accumulated, and I eventually just shut down. I didn’t message him for an entire day. I wasn’t doing it to play a game or intentionally hurt him. I honestly just reached a point where I was tired of constantly initiating, explaining, waiting, wondering, and trying to convince myself that I was being valued. I've been depressed even when I pretended to be happy and even with intimacy I pretend to be okay while I go home and cry afterwards. I needed to see what would happen if I stopped carrying the communication for once. He noticed almost immediately. He asked me if I was ignoring him, and when I didn’t respond, he called me several times. Eventually, he sent me a voice message saying that he was genuinely concerned because of my absence. And that part really messed with my head because suddenly, when I stopped giving the energy I had always given, he noticed how different things felt.

Now I’m conflicted. Part of me feels guilty because I know he was genuinely worried, and another part of me is thinking, “You noticed my absence, but did you notice how much I had been hurting while I was still present?” I don’t want a relationship where I have to withdraw my attention before my partner realizes how much I matter. I don’t want to be valued only when I’m unavailable. I want to feel chosen when I’m there, not chased only when I pull away. I genuinely love this person, which is why all of this hurts so much. I’m not posting this because I want people to tell me to leave him or automatically take my side. I want honest advice. Am I expecting too much? Are these legitimate relationship concerns, or am I allowing small things to build into something bigger because I’m already insecure and hurt? And most importantly, what would you do if you were in my position? I feel like I'm slowly reaching the edge and that one day I'll be no more but I'm still holding on. I feel dirty. I feel like a last priority. I don't want to feel anything anymore.

Last updated on:2026-09-03T20:43:11+05:30