this was probably really stupid of me but it happened and I can’t undo it.
Yesterday I went back to the apartment we shared to pick up the rest of my things. I wasn’t expecting him to change his mind or anything. I just thought it would be awkward and that I’d probably cry because it was the last time I was going to see my cat.
When I got there it felt so strange. Somehow it still felt like home even though all of my things were packed away in bags. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to kiss him. But I didn’t. We had only broken up about three weeks ago and I knew he was serious about it.
Then I saw our cat and started crying and somehow we ended up talking. We talked about how we’d been feeling our differences and everything that had happened between us. Somehow that conversation turned into us cuddling on the couch just like we used to whenever we were having a difficult conversation.
Then he kissed me. The same way he used to kiss me when he hadn’t seen me in a while. I kissed him back.
One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. For those couple of hours I completely forgot that we had broken up because everything felt so familiar. It felt like we were still us.
I told him I loved him and he didn’t say it back.
I asked him if he still loved me even though part of me was terrified of hearing the answer. He said he didn’t know.
Now I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I genuinely thought I would spend my life with. But at the same time having sex with him when he doesn’t even know if he loves me feels like a kind of betrayal.
I’ve been completely honest about how I feel. I still love him. And I think that’s what makes this hurt so much more.
Last updated on:2026-09-07T21:15:12+05:30
Comments (3)
this sounds like such a painful mix of love, comfort, and uncertainty. when he said he “didn’t know” if he loved you, did a part of you hear that as maybe there’s still a chance?
used to beat myself up for going back to my ex after we broke up, but honestly, loving someone can make you do things your head knows will hurt later.
i once let a familiar moment with my ex pull me right back in, and then spent days hurting over what it meant to him versus what it meant to me. you’re allowed to feel betrayed by it, especially when your heart is still so open.