My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for 5 years. In the beginning we broke up every 4–6 months (always initiated by him) but the breakups never lasted long. Later in the relationship we were officially broken up for a while but still seeing each other.There’s been mistrust on both sides.On my side: A few years in while we were broken up I told him I wanted certain things in a relationship and he said he couldn’t give them to me. I replied that I’d find someone who could and I went on a few dates. We got back together shortly after then I ended things again about a month later. During that time I had a short regretful fling with someone else. I never told him the full truth about it and lied when he asked. I know that was wrong and that it seriously damaged trust. I’ve taken full responsibility and have done everything I can to rebuild it.To be clear none of his behaviors started after my fling they’ve been going on since the early days of our relationship. He has not been honest about being on dating apps (both while we were together and during “breaks”) has talked to other girls has told me we were together while telling mutual friends we weren’t etc. He’s gone on several boys’ trips which bothers me because we’ve only taken one vacation together as a couple. A few days ago he mentioned wanting to go on another trip in a few months and I wasn’t happy about it. I know he’s talked to other girls while traveling and hasn’t mentioned having a girlfriend. He also still follows girls on Instagram even though he knows it bothers me. It makes me insecure especially because we’re an intercultural couple and the girls he follows are the same ethnicity as him. He tells me he only wants me and that it doesn’t mean anything but he still does it occasionally.I’ve tried to be as open and transparent as possible to heal the damage I caused and we’ve made real progress. Most of the time we’re happy (except when we fight about social media or have small arguments). He makes me a better person pushes me to aim higher and is one of my biggest supporters. I love him and want to be with him.But I still feel deep mistrust. I don’t believe he would actually sleep with someone else but part of me is convinced he would still entertain other girls or be on dating apps. The thought of finding out my fears are true makes me sick. I want to feel confident that when he goes on vacation he’ll be as faithful to me as I would be to him. I don’t want to keep checking who he’s following or whether his follower count has gone up. Part of me even wants to go through his phone just to put my mind at ease but I don’t want to be sneaky the only way I could do it is by using Face ID while he’s asleep and he’d probably wake up.I don’t know how to move past this.
Last updated on:2026-09-11T20:39:12+05:30
Comments (6)
i’d leave the phone alone, honestly. i tried checking once in a past relationship and it gave me relief for maybe an hour, then i needed to check again, and again.
I hate to have to tell you this, but a dating app isn't called that for nothing. He’s used to having you by his side, so he just keeps pushing the boundaries of bad behavior. Nothing will change until you actually separate from him and he sees what his life would look like without you. Right now, he’s in the perfect position to get the best of both worlds: he has you—providing support, a steady relationship, and love—while also getting the fun he needs to feed his ego. In short: you’re hurting yourself while he reaps the benefits of the single life; it’s only a matter of time before he crosses the line (if he hasn't already). Pour all your energy into ending this relationship, because you’re getting nothing good out of it—you’re just going to lose yourself.
you feel like he has made the same effort to make you feel secure and give you a relationship you can actually trust?
i don’t wanna judge you girl but I’ve been in an on and off for 3 years too. We were an interracial couple too and I’m sorry if I am being straight with you but someone that loves you wouldn’t treat you like that. People can make mistakes but if they repeated it more than once, they will do it again. I am very sorry. My ex used to love me so much and he never made me insecure about my ethnicity or compared me to other girls of his “kind”.. I would do it to myself tbh but he actually loved me more than his exes and gave me more than his exes. He is still my ex and we broke up really badly but he made me realised that I will never, never and ever accept a man like your man in my life. I’m so sorry girl. Please think about what I am saying❤️
i’ve been in that kind of on-and-off relationship where you love someone deeply but your nervous system never quite trusts the ground under you. the constant checking and wondering wore me down more than the actual fights did, because i was always waiting for the next thing to prove me right.
I think the hardest part is that you’re trying to rebuild trust while still being surrounded by things that make you question it. You’ve taken responsibility for your mistake, but that doesn’t mean you have to ignore the things he has done that hurt your trust too.
I don’t think checking his phone secretly will give you real peace. It might calm you for a moment, but the anxiety will probably come back. What you really need is consistency, honesty, and clear boundaries from both of you.
You can love someone deeply and still admit that the relationship doesn’t make you feel completely secure. Trust isn’t just something you decide to have. It’s something both people build through their actions over time. You deserve to feel loved without constantly having to investigate whether you’re being loved honestly.