he was my first boyfriend. i was with him from 19 to 23 and even though i loved him deeply the relationship was painful in so many ways. i forgave things i never should have forgiven because i kept holding onto hope. deep down i always knew we probably couldn’t have a future together but he gave me just enough reassurance to make me believe maybe there was still a chance.
he’s yazidi and i’m christian. people warned me from the beginning that he would never marry me but i ignored it because of how he made me feel. just last week he was talking about all the things we’d do together when he got back from visiting his family. he told me he’d help me with things made plans with me made me excited to see him again. then he left and suddenly disappeared for an entire week without texting me once.
today i finally reached out because something felt wrong. instead of talking to me face to face or even having enough respect to call me he ended things over text. after four years together. he told me we have to break up because he can’t marry me that he promised his brother he’d stop talking to me and that his family would basically destroy him if they found out otherwise.
but honestly the way he spoke hurt even more than the reason itself. he became so cold. distant. almost like he stopped loving me long before today. i even started wondering if there was someone else because of how suddenly he changed. he promised there wasn’t but at the same time he admitted he hadn’t been happy lately and felt stressed in the relationship. it didn’t feel like religion was the only reason anymore. it felt like he just didn’t want me.
while i was pouring my heart out trying to explain how much i loved him he just kept apologizing and saying “it has to be this way.” no fight left in him. no effort. nothing.
we already had a no contact period before and i honestly wish i never took him back after that. he was never fully sure about me but he kept me close because i gave him so much love energy and loyalty. he became part of my entire life. my first everything. and now suddenly he’s telling me he’ll never call me again never see me again because he can’t lose his family.
i feel so broken and alone. he told me at least i still have my mom while he has nobody besides his family but that somehow made it hurt worse. like i was something he could sacrifice.
i keep blaming him for pursuing me in the first place when he already knew this would probably happen. but i also blame myself for staying every time he came back. for believing him again. for loving him harder every single time he pulled away.
right now i feel used. exhausted. like i gave four years of my life to someone who could never truly choose me. i missed out on so much because my world revolved around him.
and somehow despite all of this i still know i’m going to miss him forever. summer is starting soon and i can already feel the memories creeping in. those late summer nights when we first fell in love four years ago. i honestly don’t know how i’m supposed to survive this without him.
Last updated on:2026-05-28T17:57:12+05:30
Comments (3)
my first love kept coming back every time i tried to leave and i confused his returns with commitment. losing your first everything feels like someone ripped pieces of your identity out with them
i know you keep blaming yourself for staying, but honestly i stopped healing when i kept replaying every decision i “should’ve” made.
what’s hurting so badly is that he kept giving you tiny pieces of hope the entire relationship? because that back and forth can mess with your head so much more than a clean ending ever does.