Why did he feel like my lifeline during the darkest days?

for a very long time i was extremely unwell. severe panic attacks depression and anxiety took over my life. i lost most of my friends because i stopped going out stopped replying to messages and slowly disappeared from everyone's lives.
in 2023 things finally started to improve a little. i was stable enough to return to school and for the first time in years i even went on vacation with my mom. at first everything seemed okay.
then the panic attacks came back.
they came back worse than ever.
it got so bad that we could barely leave the hotel. most days were spent trapped inside and i remember thinking "i don't think this is ever going to get better." i felt exhausted hopeless and completely defeated. the night before everything changed i had reached a point where i genuinely didn't want to be alive anymore.
and then there was this boy.
he worked at the hotel so i saw him every morning at breakfast and again in the evenings at dinner. from the very first day my anxiety returned he smiled at me with this warmth that somehow made everything quiet for a moment. every time i saw him the fear loosened its grip just a little.
seeing him became the thing that got me through the trip.
every morning i would tell myself "just make it to breakfast." and every day when things felt unbearable i'd think "i can get through this because i'll see him again tonight."
it sounds ridiculous when i say it out loud but at the time that small connection felt like the only thing keeping me going.
and the feeling was intense.
i had never found anyone so attractive before. everything about him seemed beautiful to me.
after a few days i told a friend "if he doesn't talk to me i'm going to talk to him." which was completely unlike me because i'm painfully shy.
but somehow we ended up walking toward each other at the same time.
he asked for my number we exchanged contacts started texting and made plans to meet that same evening.
one thing that felt almost unreal was that our names were nearly identical. my name is very uncommon so it felt like some strange coincidence. we'd catch each other's eyes and hold these quiet lingering stares that made everything else disappear for a second.
talking to him felt effortless.
safe.
like i'd known him far longer than a few days.
when i was around him the panic disappeared.
we spent hours together. talking laughing wandering around staying out until four in the morning. for the first time in years i felt genuinely calm.
we kissed.
we talked about everything and nothing.
and somehow life felt beautiful again.
one memory stands out more than any other.
he was lying on a bench beside the water and i was sitting on his lap. it was dark the water moved softly beside us and the sky was filled with stars. i remember leaning back and staring upward while listening to the waves.
and in that moment i thought:
"someone must have sent this boy to me."
iknow how dramatic that sounds now but at the time it felt true.
that memory has never left me.
w spent three evenings together before i had to fly home.
on the last night he walked me back to the hotel. before leaving he kissed me goodbye and said "see you never."
i laughed but it hurt.
i remember looking at him and thinking i would go through every panic attack all over again if it meant getting a few more days with him.
after i got home we kept talking for a while.
and then i made a mistake.
actually a lot of them.
i was ashamed of who i was and how much i was struggling so i started lying. i told him i worked somewhere i didn't. i pretended i had lots of friends when i barely had anyone left. i created a version of myself that seemed easier to love than the truth.
eventually i think he noticed things didn't add up.
slowly he pulled away.
and that was that.
but even now years later i still think about him.
every summer when the weather turns warm again those memories come rushing back. the hotel. the late nights. his smile. the way my anxiety disappeared whenever he was near.
and i still wonder what it all really was.
was it simply psychology?
was i so lonely exhausted and desperate for comfort that my mind attached itself to the first person who made me feel safe?
did i turn him into a symbol of hope because i needed something to hold onto?
or did he come into my life for a reason?
i know that sounds irrational.
but sometimes i still wonder if he was some kind of angel who appeared during the darkest period of my life.
and after all this time i still don't know what to do with that feeling.