a year and a half ago my ex ended our almost three-year relationship. he was my whole world in the best way. i had my own life friends and independence but he was the person i pictured growing old with. we had plans to move in together he was saving for a ring and we were sure we’d eventually get married.
toward the end my mental health got really bad. i became anxious and self-centered and i wasn't giving as much as i was taking. i went to therapy and worked hard to change but it wasn't enough for him. the breakup completely broke me. he started dating someone else two months later and i spent the next year struggling to recognize myself. i left grad school lost friendships and went through intensive mental health treatment. it took a long time before i could get through a day without crying over him.
then in march 2026 something finally shifted. i accepted that he wasn't coming back and decided i didn't want to spend the rest of my life miserable. in april i joined dating apps with zero expectations. i met someone who surprised me completely. we shared so many values interests and jokes. we talked every day our dates were amazing and for the first time in over a year i could actually picture a future with someone again.
after two months he suddenly stopped responding. i assumed i'd been ghosted but it didn't feel like him. a few weeks later his dad contacted me and told me he had died by suicide.
i don't even know how to explain that kind of loss. i wasn't just grieving the relationship or the future i had started imagining. i was grieving an incredible person who should still be here. his parents invited me to his funeral and i've been carrying that grief ever since. i miss him every day.
now somehow i'm grieving both men. losing this new person brought all the feelings about my ex rushing back too. i keep thinking about everything i lost with him how good he was to me and how badly i want his arms around me again.
it's confusing because i genuinely cared about the man who passed away. i wasn't secretly waiting for my ex the whole time. meeting him was what made me believe i could love someone again.
i know i can't get either of them back. one is gone and the other has moved on. i understand that. it just doesn't make the pain any smaller.
i don't want just any relationship. i want the people i loved. and right now i'm grieving the life i had the life i thought i would have and two people who meant more to me than i can explain. i feel completely lost and alone.
Last updated on:2026-08-17T18:10:11+05:30
Comments (4)
i kept thinking i had to choose which loss was hurting more, and that just made me feel worse. i eventually let myself miss each person for what they meant to me, without turning either grief into a betrayal of the other.
i can't imagine carrying both losses at once. when the grief hits hardest, do you find yourself missing the people themselves more, or the life you thought you'd have with them?
i've been through a breakup that made me grieve the future i'd planned, but losing someone again so suddenly is a whole different kind of pain. reading this honestly hurts, you've had so much taken from you in such a short time.
im so sorry you've had to ensure so much heartache in such a short amount of time. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel. Please be gentle with yourself, you are not alone