I (28F) dated my ex (31M) for about 8 months. I loved him deeply and genuinely thought I was going to end up with him, but throughout our relationship I always felt like part of him was holding back. He initially wanted to keep our relationship hidden from mutual friends, never wanted to post me on his Instagram stories and would give excuses whenever I asked, would prioritize his friends over me, and told me he would never let himself get “strung along” by continuing to text someone after a breakup. This was especially painful because I knew how differently he had behaved with his ex before she broke up with him. He had posted her on Instagram stories, commented on her posts, kept reaching out after they broke up, waited for her while she was with someone else and took her back till she left him for someone else.
These were our last texts to each other before we stopped contact.
Me: Can you please just tell me why you could give her the kind of love you did, but you just couldn’t do the same with me? I just want to know what it was about me that made it so hard for you to love me that way you did before, or what she had or did for you that I didn’t that made you want to give her everything but not me
Him: Listen it’s not that I couldn’t give you the same love I gave her. I loved you just as much if not more. It seems like I gave her more love because I was hurt by her when she broke up with me and it was extremely unexpected. We were together 3 years and I thought everything was going fine and we had everything sorted when she suddenly one day without warning just broke up with me. Which messed me up a little because I thought I knew her and our relationship so well after 3 years and everything we had gone through. I’m sorry you had to find me after my relationship with her, I honestly wish I met you first. But sometimes the past can really change who you are as a person for better or worse. I guess I was naive back then and loved blindly because i thought she would never break up with me. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
But that wasn’t the only issue. Another huge problem in our relationship was honesty because he had a tendency to withhold information. For example, his ex once sent him a disappearing Instagram message while we were together and he didn’t tell me. When I found out and got upset, he defended it by saying he didn’t reply or see anything. And defended himself by saying he didn’t tell his ex when his previous ex messaged either until she specifically asked. He would also sometimes not tell me when his ex talked to him at a sports club we both go to, and I’d have to hear about it from a mutual friend who saw them. His reasoning was that nothing happened, so he didn’t feel the need to tell me. But that wasn’t really the point for me. I wouldn’t have had a problem if he had just told me. It was deliberately omitting information that bothered me. We had a huge argument about it and he promised he wouldn’t withhold information or lie again.
Then something happened with a new female colleague that really destroyed my trust. She had only just joined his workplace and one night they were out for drinks with colleagues. After the first round, everyone else went home but the two of them decided to keep drinking together late at night. He lied at first and said everyone was there. I found out it was just them and he paid for their drinks and then dropped her home. That hurt a lot because at that point he had never never offered to pay for my cab or drop me home, and only did it once after this happened. I repeatedly asked him what happened that night, and he kept denying things or leaving out details instead of just telling me. I genuinely don’t think he cheated on me, but I still don’t understand why he kept lying when I gave him so many opportunities to just tell me what happened. The worst part is, I was upset about for a week. And then during the weekend when I wanted to talk about it, he said he couldn’t be with me cause he had to “hang out with the boys” when he does that frequently already. There were two other instances when I really needed him - one when I found out my mom had a major health issue and needed surgery and he prioritized work over replying me, and another when I was overseas with bad food poisoning and he said he had to go to his friend’s but he could keep texting me.
There were also other things that made me uncomfortable with his boundaries. There’s someone he previously hooked up with who is still part of his social circle he sees frequently. I never thought anything was happening between them, especially because she has a boyfriend, but they could still be a bit touchy/too friendly with each other and knowing their history, it made me uncomfortable.
Then after we broke up, I found out from a close female friend of his about a girl he had been sleeping with before his ex. She was around 18 and he was around 26 when they were hooking up, and there was a three week overlap when he started dating his ex. This made me doubt whether he actually liked me in the beginning or if he was just repeating this behavior to get over his ex.
Anyway, these are just the main issues we had. And what really hurts me is that even though I asked to break up, he just accepted it. He hasn’t reached out at all and he seems fine. But one of his close guy friends (whose girlfriend is my friend) says he was a mess when his ex broke up with him and he kept calling his guy friends to talk. He hasn’t once reached out to them about me. Another close female friend (whose boyfriend is his friend) says all he’s said about it was we need to work on ourselves and we might get back together in a year. And yesterday at the sports club he completely avoided me even though it’s been a month since we’ve seen each other.
I’m honestly really conflicted and I feel like I’m going crazy because I still love him a lot and I know he loves me too. I know if I text him asking him to try again he would want to but I really don’t know if love is enough
Last updated on:2026-08-18T13:43:30+05:30
Comments (8)
this hurt to read, especially the part about your mom and being sick overseas. if you texted him tomorrow and he said yes to trying again, what would actually be different this time, beyond the fact that you both still love each other?
😭 realistically I don’t think anything would be different. I feel like if I told him exactly what I needed him to change he might try, but then it would still be coming from me rather than something he wanted to change himself
loving someone so much that every red flag starts feeling like a question you need to solve. mine kept making me feel like i was asking for too much when i really just wanted honesty and to feel chosen
that’s exactly how I feel. I keep thinking I can fix everything if I just explain to him what he needs to do & maybe I didn’t explain what I needed enough. I’m sorry you went through that.. it’s very difficult because you keep wondering if you’re asking for too much, or if maybe you just express love differently & they love you in their own ways. but it’s also exhausting feeling like if you could just find the right words you could somehow make it work
love is never enough.
it requires work from both parties
If you read the above as if it were a friend telling you, what would you tell them?
A lot of the data here are deal breakers, how much do you want to suffer?
The fact that he wanted to hide you tells me he was always waiting for his ex to come back and didnt want to jeopardise that
🥹thanks for giving me a new perspective. Yeahh it seems like it..
I think you deserve so much better 🫂 based on what you wrote he is not over his ex
🥲yeah… tired of feeling that way no matter how much he denies it