Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective on a friendship that ended while I was in the middle of a toxic relationship.
I’ve realized that while I was in survival mode, one of my close friends essentially "tapped out." When I reached out to her in a moment of extreme crisis—right when I was finally considering leaving—she didn't call me back. Instead, she called my parents. She shared deeply personal details I had told her in confidence and told them I "did this to myself."
She also told my parents that she couldn't be there for me because she was recovering from surgery and needed to focus on herself. I can respect a boundary for health, but it has been four months since then. She has me blocked on social media and hasn't once checked in to see if I’m safe or okay. I guess it seemed kind of fake that she was so worried about me that she had to reach out to my parents but never followed up to see if I actually made it home safely because I was staying at my ex's in another province where I didn't know anybody. My best friend ghosted me and I feel like it is my fault because I wasn't ready to leave when she told me to leave.
I’m struggling with the guilt of "drifting away" originally, but I could also tell she wasn't interested in listening to what was going on in my life unless I left him when she told me too. Has anyone else experienced friends who used your vulnerability against you or blamed you for the cycle of abuse? How did you know when it was time to stop giving them chances?
here are the specific red flags that suggest this connection may no longer be healthy for my growth:
Victim-Blaming Rhetoric: Statements like "she did this to herself" are a major red flag. It shows she doesn't understand the psychological reality of abuse. A true friend may be frustrated, but they don't blame the person being harmed.
Weaponizing Information: Taking private details and sharing them with your parents without your consent is a breach of safety. While people sometimes intervene in emergencies, doing so with a "judgmental" tone rather than a "protective" one is a sign of a broken trust.
The "Convenient" Boundary: While surgery requires recovery, it doesn't take much physical energy to send a "hope you're safe" text over the course of four months. Using a personal crisis to permanently disappear without a word—while keeping you blocked—is a sign of "discarding" the friendship rather than pausing it.
Lack of Closure/Blocking: Blocking is a very clear signal. It prevents you from having a voice or seeking clarity. It turns a friendship into a one-way street where she controls all the terms.
One-Sided Empathy: You are currently showing empathy for her (considering her surgery and her feelings), but she does not seem to be reciprocating that empathy regarding the trauma you've endured.
what are your thoughts? The reason I ask is because she has a history of getting very angry about things and then disappearing for a year or so and then coming back to the friendship. so my question is when she wants to come back and be friends what should I do?
Last updated on:2026-05-06T03:00:05+05:30
Comments (6)
Don't be so hard on yourself. I know you did the best you could with everything you were going through at the time. I do that too.
she was trying to help in a messy way, or did it feel more like she judged you and stepped away when you didn’t do what she wanted
I felt judged
i get why you’re torn, but blocking you for months and not even checking if you’re safe would’ve been my line. when she comes back, i’d only let her in if she actually owns what she did and respects your boundaries, that’s what saved me
I agree
i had a friend who told my family things i trusted her with when i was at my lowest, and it felt like a double betrayal on top of the relationship. i kept blaming myself too, like i should’ve handled everything better, but that part really HURT