Day 23 of no contact and it feels like I'm detoxing. Waves of grief, of loneliness, of missing her and our shared community. It's painful but it feels good, it feels honest. I'm not pendulating between longing for her and hating her as much. I am with the love and regret along side the pain and hurt and rage. I understand that I can't choose one or the other; she is both the partner I loved more than I've ever loved anyone before and because of that love and the deep trust I had in her she is the partner I felt the most betrayed by of any partner. Both are true: I don't just hate her and I don't just love her. The anger is deep because the love was deep, but I can love her deeply and still deserve better.
Last updated on:2026-05-15T13:26:06+05:30
Comments (6)
do you feel lighter now that you’re not fighting your own emotions as much?
in some ways it's a relief. in some ways it's crushing. I don't know if it's lighter yet. I think if I can stay with it it might be though
getting to that exact point in no contact where the anger stopped carrying me and all the love underneath it was just... there. raw as hell. i used to think i had to pick between “they were awful” or “i still love them” and the truth was both lived in me at the same time too.
yeah, that's exactly it. it feels right, but it's also excruciating
this is so relatable it’s so hard to hate someone you once had so much love for they can try and hurt you all they want but you are just still so full of love for the person they were and you thought they could be
yeah, it feels like in some ways she wasn't the person I thought she was and I think that made it really hard to adjust. She was giving me pretty mixed messages and it was easy to believe what I wanted to and she didn't correct me. I know what we had was real, but she stopped treating me like I was important and I deserve better than that.