i’ve been dating this guy since november. we actually started out as friends through the same club and at first i genuinely wasn’t even looking for a relationship. i liked being single and wasn’t trying to force anything. but over time things between us just happened naturally and eventually we made it official.
early on when we were still just friends we had a lot of honest conversations about past relationships. i told him one of my biggest boundaries straight away that i could never seriously date someone who still keeps close contact with old hookups or people they’ve slept with. i explained why that hurt me in my last relationship and he knew from the beginning how important that boundary was to me.
a few months into dating him i started feeling uneasy in ways i couldn’t fully explain. little situations kept piling up and slowly made me feel less emotionally safe with him.
during one vacation we took together there was a woman traveling alone at our resort who kept talking almost exclusively to my boyfriend while barely acknowledging me at all. i brought it up because honestly it made me uncomfortable. he explained she was mostly asking him for advice about local places since he knows the area well and said he might even earn a commission from recommending certain spots. logically i understood that but emotionally i still felt weird every time she was around him.
then during a roadtrip another girl openly flirted with him right in front of me calling him her “future husband” talking about how cute he was all while fully knowing we were together. what bothered me wasn’t even her behavior as much as his lack of boundaries. he later said he didn’t want to embarrass or reject her but honestly i feel like there were a hundred ways he could’ve gently shut it down while still making it clear he was with me.
after those situations my gut kept telling me something was off and eventually i checked his phone. i know i shouldn’t have and i honestly feel ashamed that i did but what i found completely broke my trust anyway.
i discovered he was still actively talking to multiple former hookups and female friends he had slept with despite knowing my boundary from the very beginning. he had never been honest with me about any of that.
when we later talked about boundaries without me admitting i had seen the messages he casually admitted he was still friends with some women he’d slept with. after that conversation one of those women texted him late at night while drunk saying she was thinking about him using some sweet nickname. he replied telling her those kinds of messages belong in the past because he’s dating someone now. instead of responding like a normal platonic friend she sent this long emotional message acting hurt and abandoned saying men always use women and throw them away when they’re done. honestly her reaction felt way too emotionally loaded to seem innocent to me.
afterward he deleted the entire conversation which made everything feel even worse because now i don’t even know if they kept talking afterward. i also noticed he had deleted chats with other former hookups too.
another woman someone i’ll call julia had messages from him saying things like it’s hard not seeing you i’m starting to miss you a bit while he was literally on vacation with me. typing that out still hurts honestly. my chest physically hurts thinking about it.
then i found out something else that completely shook me. he lied to me about sexual health too. he told me he used condoms with previous partners but that wasn’t true. one of his exes had even messaged him about having an STI. i genuinely cannot understand lying about something that directly affects my health and safety.
whenever i try bringing up my discomfort without revealing i saw the messages he tells me i’m imagining things or overthinking. and that’s what’s messing with my head the most because outside of all this he’s loving caring attentive and genuinely does a lot for me and for the relationship.
but at the same time i don’t feel emotionally safe anymore. i don’t want to be the kind of partner who checks phones or constantly questions things. i want to trust my relationship fully and right now i honestly don’t know if i can.
Last updated on:2026-05-30T00:50:12+05:30
Comments (5)
the STI lie would’ve snapped something in me honestly. flirting boundaries are one thing, but lying about sexual health is a whole different level of disrespect.
i keep coming back to the fact that he knew this boundary from the very beginning and still hid these women from you anyway. do you think the issue is really the phone checking now, or is it that deep down you already know you can’t fully trust what he says anymore?
Girl I went through this exact same thing . first he just straight up didn’t say anything about his exes or female friends. When I moved states to move in with him… I found out that he did fk his close “friend” that I had asked him about before. He lied and said no, but I had my suspicions after looking through his phone… until he finally admitted it.
Hey.
Just letting you know, you're not crazy. The way you're thinking is emotionally charged, but there's nothing that says you can't be logical and emotional at the same time. I think you said it best:
"I want to trust my relationship fully and right now I honestly don't know if I can."
So, me personally right, I value trust more than ANYTHING else in a relationship. If I can't trust in some aspect of my partner or the relationship, I don't feel that to myself -- I share it. And if my partner can't build up that trust...
Well. That's not really a partner then, is it?
The point is, that you don't DESERVE to be with someone who makes you feel like you need to check his phone. You deserve someone you can have complete trust in, 100%. You aren't just worthy of that -- it is from your human nature that it is the bare minimum. And you probably deserve more than that.
Hope you're feeling better.
get away from him asap he crossed on boundary he will another and another !!!