Man, this shit hurts so fucking bad.
This morning I was talking to my friends about everything he did to me, how he treated me towards, how much he hurt me, and how some of his behaviour genuinely traumatised me. I was angry, talking about how much better off I am without him and how relieved I am to be free from that relationship.
And now, a few hours later, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out, wishing I could just have a hug from him. I can barely breathe because it hurts so much, and I feel so fucking alone.
I would've done EVERYTHING for this man. We had so many plans for our future. We talked about forever. We were supposed to build a life together. How did the person I thought I'd spend my life with turn into a lesson I'm supposed to learn from?
I keep remembering the little things. Cooking together, hugging each other in the middle of doing something, randomly kissing, watching movies and cuddling on the couch. Just being together and feeling like I was home because he was there. All those moments that felt so ordinary at the time but now feel like things I'll never get back.
And I KNOW what he did to me. I know how much I was hurting in that relationship, and I know that I'm probably better off now. I'm not forgetting any of that. But knowing someone hurt you doesn't magically switch off the part of you that loves them. I can be angry at him for everything he did and still miss holding him. I can know I deserve better and still wish he was here to hug me.
I think that's one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. I'm not just grieving the person he was. I'm grieving the future I thought we were going to have. The home, the plans, the little everyday moments, the forever we promised each other. And I don't know what to do with all that love I still have when there's nowhere for it to go anymore.
I feel so alone tonight. I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. I want this pain to stop for a little while. It hurts so much that I genuinely feel sick.
I'm writing this here because sometimes getting everything out of my head and putting it into words is the only thing that helps. Reading your comments, hearing your stories, and knowing other people have felt this kind of pain and made it through makes me feel a little less alone.
I just need to let myself feel this without pretending I'm doing better than I am.
Because healing isn't a straight line, and tonight is one of those nights where it hurts like hell.
We said forever. And I still don't know how to make peace with the fact that forever ended.
Last updated on:2026-10-14T22:59:12+05:30
Comments (9)
what got me through those sickeningly painful nights was putting a heated blanket on my chest and playing audiobooks until i fell asleep just so the silence wouldn't drown me. you don't have to make peace with the end of forever tonight, you just have to ride out this heavy wave until morning.
sitting on my bed sobbing until i vomited, screaming at the wall because i was FURIOUS at how he treated me, but wanting nothing more than to feel his arms around me. missing the person who traumatized you makes you feel crazy, but it just means your capacity to love was real, even if his wasn't.
do you have a close friend or family member nearby who can come sit on the couch with you right now, just so you aren't physically in that room by yourself tonight
Yeah i actually reached out to a family member right after hitting post because i couldn't sit alone with myself anymore that moment
I hear every bit of that. It makes sense you can rage in the morning and ache for his arms by afternoon. Grief is messy like that. You're not crazy. You're human. The part of you that remembers the laughter and the ordinary sweetness didn't vanish just because you learned hard truths. Both things can be true. He hurt you. And you still miss the home you thought you had with him.
The goal tonight isn't to be over it. It's to keep faith with yourself for the next hour or minute. The urge to reach out will pass in 30 minutes.
You're not just grieving him. You're grieving the future you were building in your head. That future isn't proof he was your forever. It's proof you are someone who loves deeply and knows how to dream. Those muscles are still yours. Protect them now so they're not tied to someone who couldn't protect you.
What helps is separating missing him from moving toward him. Missing is a feeling. Moving is an action. You can let the waves come without turning them into contact or self-blame. When the montage of good moments starts playing, widen the frame. Add the scenes where you felt small, scared, or dismissed. Not to erase the good. To hold the whole truth so you don't gaslight yourself into thinking pain was love.
😓😓😓It shall be well.
So relatable
Same
I feel every word. I have just looked into booking in with an EMDR therapist so hopefully that will help